A lady doing laundry discovered that the dryer stopped getting hot. "Hey honey" she called to her husband.
"The dryer's broke.. can you fix it?" "Who do I look like... the Kenmore repairman?"

A few days later the dishwasher broke. "Hey Honey, the dishwasher broke. Can you fix it?" "Who do I look like... the Maytag man?" grumbled her husband.

A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey... I can't fix dinner... the oven broke. Can you fix it?" "Who do I look like... an oven repair man?"

A few weeks later the husband said to his wife, "Hey honey. I noticed you got all that stuff around the house fixed. How much did it cost?" "Well" the wife replied, "You know Mick next door. Well, he agreed to do all the repairs for free if I'd sleep with him or bake him a cake." "What kind of cake did you make him?"

"Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

One day this blonde was at home and her neighbor came to the door yelling, "The flood is coming! Save yourself!"
The blonde replied, "No, God will save me."
The water was up to her knees and this boat came by. The person in the boat yelled, "Get in the boat you're going to drown!"
The blonde again replied that no, God will save her.
She was on the second story of her house and the water was up to her knees. Another boat came by, and inside it were people yelling for her to get in the boat, or she was surely going to drown.
The blonde said, "No! God will save me!"
She was on her roof and the water was around her ankles. A helicopter came along and yelled, "get in the helicopter! You will drown!"
But once again, she replied that god will surely save her.
She drowned.
She got up to the Pearl Gates and she was speaking with God.
She asked, "God, what happened? You were supposed to save me!"
God replied, "I tried! I sent you a messenger, two boats, and a helicopter! What else did you want?"

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

This lady got home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!" The husband says "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" She then replies, "I don't care...Just get the hell out!"

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like
both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

... In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills off brain cells. Naturally, the alcohol attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. As a result, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine....

This salesman selling vacuum cleaners is going from door to door trying to flog them to unsuspecting housewives. He goes to this new estate hoping to have some luck there. Carrying his cleaner up to the door and holding a bunch of goodies in his other hand, he knocks on the door. "Excuse me madam," meanwhile pushing his way in the door. He quickly empties the goodies he has all over the lady's plush new wool carpet, including gravel, dirt and an array of other crap. Then he pronounces:"The cleaners that I am about to sell you here are so good that if it doesn't clean that crap off your carpet I vow that I will eat it!" The lady furious with the mess replies,"Well you stupid salesman, would you like sauce with that because we haven't got the power on yet!"

Every afternoon this guy goes into the bar and orders 4 shots of scotch at the same time, then proceeds to drink them all. One day the bartender asks him why he orders all 4 at once and the guy replies that he has 3 brothers who do the same thing every day at the same time so that they can all have a drink together no matter where they are. One day the guy comes in and only orders 3 shots. Well the bartender thinking the worst asks the guy if one of his brothers had passed away. The guy laughs and says "No it's me, I quit drinking."