Fun Jokes

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, 'This is where your problem is!' The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people
in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear
one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him,so they came up with a code
word. Someone who had committed adultery would
say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well,
until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived,he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town.When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had
told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing
finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah, yada, yada, yada. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about the first two. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very sea sick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four"?

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in
Florida. His wife was on a buisness trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick E-mail. Unable to find the scrap of
paper on which he had written her E-mail address, he did his best to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter in the E-mail address and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her E-mail, she took one look at the computer monitor and let
out a scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is
hot down here.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to each answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped. You should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?". "I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

A physician who did house calls in a far-out rural area, went to the house of a woman who was about to give birth.
The house had no electric lights, so he lit a kerosene lamp and asked the 6 year old child to hold it up for him so he could see what he was doing.
After a short while, the woman gave birth. The doc cut the cord, cleaned out the mouth of the baby and then hit it on the behind to get the baby breathing.
The little girl who watched every part of the birth said: "Hit that baby again. It had no business crawling up in there!"