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A cowboy rode
into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers,
which he was. When he
finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches
it above his head without even
looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled
with surprising
forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T
BACK OUTSIDE
BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T
LIKE TO
HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked
outside, and his horse is back!
He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders
out of the bar and asks, "Say
partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first
man
was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was
a
Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do
your
stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper
and a
pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone
agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog
and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went
out into the
kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into
4
equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog
and
said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked
over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the
cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said,
"What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break,
do
your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies,
drank
the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three
dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance
report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's
Compensation and went home on sick leave.
Everyone agreed that was awesome!
A
blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly
found herself in the middle of a real bad hail storm. The hail stones
were as big as golf balls. Her car got dented up really bad. The
next day she took it to a repair shop. The repair guy, noticing
she was blonde, decided to have some fun and told her to blow into
the tail pipe real hard when she got home and the dents would pop
out. When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe when
her blonde girl friend happened to see her. Her friend was puzzled
and asked, "What are you doing?" So she answered, "The repair guy
told me to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would
pop out." The friend said, "Duhhh, you need to roll up the windows
first!"
And in fairness to any blonde out there. Well, it seems that redheads
are now the brunt of similar humor, but focusing on their attitude
more than their aptitude.
Q: How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
A: She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.
Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
A: A blonde lets you leave the bed when you are satisfied - a
redhead lets you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.
Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you...wanna marry?"
Blonde after sex: "Next!"
Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid.
Q: What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
A: The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
Q: What do redheads and McDonald's have in common?
A: You've never had it so good and so fast.
Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something!!!
Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds.
A
lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to
play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines >and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
lawyer
persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you
pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries
to get
some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$500!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily
win the
match
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be
no
end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer
asks
the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the
moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a
five
dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up
a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his
references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the
Net
and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his
coworkers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her
$500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches
into
her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A
married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered
to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that
the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The
husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. she looked more beautiful
than she ever had before. All her friends and relatives just went on
and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband,
and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice, she said. "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no
way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing
of it. I get all the thanks I need, every time I see your mother kiss
you on the cheek."
NEVER
FOOL AROUND WITH A LITTLE OLD LADY
'"'"' A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive
cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where
she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten.
" The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people
buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying
the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up
her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most
expensive dog cookies-one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this
time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people
sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought
in her dog. One Doggie __ She was then given the dog cookies. The next
day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady
asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said,
"No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her
that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier
put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old
lady, "That smells like crap." The little old lady grinned from ear
to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Never fool around with a little old lady.
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